Home > Family Life > How to Deal with Pressure From Parents

How to Deal with Pressure From Parents

By: Beth Morrisey MLIS - Updated: 13 Nov 2019 | comments*Discuss
 
Parent Pressure Pressure From Parents

Most parents just want what is best for their children, but when their ideas of what is best for you don't quite match your own, frustration and anger can run riot. To try to help you see things their way, parents may resort to pressuring you without even realising it. If you feel that one, or both, of your parents is pressuring you to act or think a certain way, use this handy how-to guide to dealing with parent pressure.

Remain Calm

Even if it is the tenth time this hour that your mother has told you to stop slouching/watch your mouth/put away your laundry, remain calm. Getting into a screaming match may help you blow of some steam, but if you want your parents to listen to what you have to say, make sure that you say it in a reasonable tone. Remaining calm and speaking seriously will convey to your parents that you:

  • Have given your topic serious thought
  • Can speak about your topic in a reasonable manner
  • Are mature enough to have a discussion, not an argument
  • Will be willing to listen to their opinions during this discussion

Know Your Argument

Of course by the time your parents realise that you are willing to have a discussion with them, you really must be ready to have this discussion. Make sure that you know your argument and can present it in a convincing manner. It doesn't matter if you are trying to make them understand your desire to dye your hair, defer university or sell your younger brother; the aspects of a convincing argument remain the same:

  • Know your own mind and be clear about your main points - remind them that you only want to experiment with dying your hair blonde, not pink or purple, and that you are perfectly willing to use only semi-permanent dye
  • Research evidence or, even better, statistics - if you can tell your parents that you understand their desire for you to go to university, but you would prefer to be one of the 88% (or whatever you discover it really is) that defer to take a gap year, they will be more likely to listen to you as you explain why
  • Present an alternative plan - explain your reasons for wanting to sell your younger brother, but if your parents don't seem convinced offer an alternative such as sending him to boarding school to show that you understand their hesitations

Enlist the Aid of an Expert

It's highly unlikely that you will be able to bring in Sir Alex Ferguson to explain to your father why he must give up his dreams of you one day playing for Manchester United, but it is feasible that you can find another kind of expert - an expert on your father. Think of family and friends who are used to the way your parents' minds work and may have seen them put pressure on you. Options include:

  • Your aunts and uncles (your parents' brothers and sisters).
  • Your grandparents (your parents' own mother and father).
  • Family friends (look for someone who has known your parents for decades).
  • Your older siblings (they've probably endured similar pressure and have survived).
  • A favourite teacher or coach (if they know you have a talent, they will help you fight for it and if they know that you don't have a talent, they may be able to explain this to your parents).
  • School counsellor (they are wicked at getting parents to see the big picture).

Be Willing to Compromise

Life's not fair; no doubt you know that already, so expecting to get your way all of the time is unrealistic. When you parents pressure you, they do so because they are passionate about the subject and it is unlikely that they will back off completely. Show your parents that you understand at least some of their passion by being willing to compromise. Try to find a middle ground - you'll study French for an hour every night, but not with the silly tutor they found, you'll consider babysitting your cousins regularly if they'll consider subsidising your mobile phone bills - and hopefully you'll find something you can agree upon.

Parent pressure can make your home life a living hell, but following these handy hints should help lessen the pressure and let you all meet in the middle. If, however, your parents are pressuring you to the point that you feel endangered either physically or mentally, contact a trusted adult such as a family friend, teacher, doctor or policeman immediately. Otherwise, hold tight because this too shall pass!

You might also like...
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
Hi my mom thinks i don’t want to study but i really do
Me - 13-Nov-19 @ 1:13 PM
I always get told off by my mum every single day, pretty much. I get told off when I make a little mistake and been told that that is not the way to act in the society and everyone would bully you. Now I am currently doing my GCSEs, and I get told off whenever I get tired or stressed as I try to relax. She thinks I should work all the time and have no break except from sleep. I am misunderstood. Also I also get blamed on littte things.
User - 13-Sep-19 @ 5:09 PM
I got low marks and my mother is so mad I don't know what to do sometimes I feel like killing myself help me I am depressed
san - 23-Jun-19 @ 12:46 PM
I have gotten principal's award many many times all through out elementary. I never once got an "F" and still, in every competition I have ever been in, I never got last place, only 2nd or 1rst for 6 years. I got my first "F" ever in 6th grade and my parents took away all of the electronics I had, and accused them. A year went by and I started getting lower in school and apparently those 6 years of success meant nothing to my parents. I'm the only child in the family that ever got principal's award and surprisingly president's award. So of course my parents had high expectations for me. Now that I think about it, I never once went to a friends house, invited a friend over, or hung out with them after school, my parents didn't like it when I hung out with other people. I actually had to rewrite this over and over cause I never talked to a group of people before hah.
°Nutella° - 16-Jun-19 @ 6:48 AM
I am having trouble trying to reach expectations. My older siblings have all gotten top overall of their year level/grade. When they graduated, the got top overall of the school! I get discouraged because I don't know if I can do it!
ME - 3-Jun-19 @ 7:33 AM
Since this school year started I’ve wanted to get to a cool school. I go there for extra curriculars, but I want to study there next year. There’s a serious exam to get there though, and I have to work really hard. My parents pay a lot of money for those extra curriculars, and it was fine until the middle of the year. I felt like I’m tired all the time and this feeling became stronger and stronger. I forgot to mention that I got some extra classes and activities every day. So I started feeling tired all the time. I lost motivation to study and stopped working so hard, I feel like I don’t care anymore. Every time I try to get at least a half an hour of rest my mum starts shouting that if i don’t want to do anything - ok, she doesn’t care etc. And I just can’t keep up with all that I have to do, those upcoming exams and expectations from my mum. Some days I manage to cut half an hour of freedom and I play my PS at this time, but them mum comes shouting that I’m lazy and that I’ll definitely fail the exam again. Because of all this I started self harming, I fail myself because I know I should work way harder, but I just can’t focus on nothing anymore.
Lil_queen - 19-Mar-19 @ 2:10 PM
I am going to appear for an entrance exam. My father registered me for a class that teach for the same. One day he scolded and demotivated unnecessarily; why I don't know! I am fed up of him.
Jabsbshh - 17-Mar-19 @ 7:30 AM
Before my dad talkshe had to make noise he clicks and a pen how annoying when I’m trying to watch TV I can do the same thing to works both ways
Shelly - 7-Mar-19 @ 8:41 AM
My parents expect straight As and if i get a B they will take everything. I’m in the 10 grade taking honors classes that are for 11 grade. I have volleyball everyday for three hours and they want me to get a job and complain that I don’t do anything around the house. I’m sorry but you want me to get all As play volleyball get a job and do stuff around the house. This has led to many problems I have. Depression anxiety and an eating disorder.
Han - 13-Dec-18 @ 3:16 AM
I live in a house with my dad, step mom, older step brother, and younger brother and my dad constantly puts me under a lot of pressure about my grades. For example on my most recent report card I got one 80 and I got lectured for about 15 minutes and because of that the other day I had a big project and I was sobbing in my room until I threw up because of how stressed I was.
Jax - 13-Dec-18 @ 1:25 AM
I live in a house of five and i'm the eldest and only daughter in the family, my parents put a lot of pressure on me about my grades and cheerleading, they expect my grades to be no lower than a B, and if i slip up they take everything away from me. I've tried talking to them about it but they think that i'm just being "lazy" and they get really mad, earlier last month I was diagnosed with long term depression and my parentssaid " she's not depressed she's just playing a game thinking she can get whatever she wants." those are the exact words of the people I call "parents", they deny the fact that I have depression and it angers me. Since I am the eldest I HAVE to follow up to the expectations of my parents and listen to the rules that they put in place for me. They pressure me constantly about my grades and keeping them at a high status so I can get into college... but as a 15 year old I shouldn't have to tell my parents " I don't want to go to college."... no parent should pressure their child ever!
One_sun - 12-Dec-18 @ 2:06 PM
I live in a house of five and i'm the eldest and only daughter in the family, my parents put a lot of pressure on me about my grades and cheerleading, they expect my grades to be no lower than a B, and if i slip up they take everything away from me. I've tried talking to them about it but they think that i'm just being "lazy" and they get really mad, earlier last month I was diagnosed with long term depression and my parentssaid " she's not depressed she's just playing a game thinking she can get whatever she wants." those are the exact words of the people I call "parents", they deny the fact that I have depression and it angers me. Since I am the eldest I HAVE to follow up to the expectations of my parents and listen to the rules that they put in place for me. They pressure me constantly about my grades and keeping them at a high status so I can get into college... but as a 15 year old I shouldn't have to tell my parents " I don't want to go to college."... no parent should pressure their child ever!
One_sun - 11-Dec-18 @ 11:26 PM
since i was a kid my mother always put presure on me at my grades she always compares me to my half big sister because she graduated college.....and i im in middle school at the moment i have nothingcompare to my sister.....every card realising day comes im scared because if i have a failing grade she treatens me but i kinda understand her she wanted me to have a good future......but putting presure on your daughter is not ok .......in school im happy even tho i know inside that im just faking it...i laugh with my friends but that laugh isnt true.....i feel so depressed sometimes i think i just wanna die and leave all my problems but i think if i suicide my problem wont be gone if i do that unless i solve them...if i suicide the problems that i left will just increase ....my cousin told me(she all know about this)that "if your angry use that to prove yourself to them that when that day(when i graduate)come go fulfill your dreams and they will watch you rise from the top"YEAH! i cant do that to all the pressure the eating me but tho thats a good advance isnt it?im a happy lil kid in the past but now i dont know how to be happy again.....
sad but cute - 15-Oct-18 @ 9:20 PM
@Heart - It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. I'd speak to a mentor at school, especially if you are self-harming :(
KeL - 11-Jun-18 @ 11:45 AM
My mum puts too much presure on me, she keeps on looking at evrything i do and screams if i dont do something right, if i tell her something i did with my friends at school she screams and tells me to focus on my work even though i get straight A s. She compares me to other kids and tells me that i will never be like them which put my self esstem down. She hits me if she thimks i did something and if my siblings did something she screams at me and in public she vompares me to other people and tells them that im a bad child. I tried to tell her but she screams at meand never lets me see my other family members(like my aunt). If i say no to her i get yelled at. I self harm now, any advice?
Heart - 9-Jun-18 @ 1:02 PM
Hi, since i was in 5th my mom and my big sis always mentally manipulated me .now i'm 17 i have no social life..all i get is pressure to study..i score strait A's but my mom nevr appriciates it never instead she compares my marks with other like my relatives and friends and she and my sister wants me to get into medical..and my opinion was not even considered and if i tell that i didn't want medical..they would start screaming and shouting at me. And i was never given free time to relax from my study and never to leave my room..for like 2years continously..after school..i used to go inside my room and study.i never told this things to anyone..but today happend was i didn't get into medical..and they a mentally killng me ..and i can't take this anymore...i'm having death thoughts..and..i can't..it's like i'm not existing..
Piya - 5-Jun-18 @ 5:22 PM
I always have straight A in school; I have never gotten below it. I started studying for SAT while I was in sixth grade. I play the violin, piano, drum, golf, and is also on the school swim team. But the pressure that my parents put on me is starting to strain my relationship with my friends. I have a practically non-existent social life. My older brother has already cracked under pressure and I fear I will do the same. SAT is nearing and my parents are pushing me more than ever. I wake up at five o'clock every morning to practice golf for two hours. I have five AP classes I have to deal with afterward. Right after school, I have two hours of orchestra followed by an hour of band class and an hour of piano practice. Then, an hour of swim practice. Then I have to finish my AP homework and sleep at eleven o'clock, then repeat. Is there any way to lessen the pressure?
seline4375 - 22-Apr-18 @ 11:29 PM
for religious reasons i have to study i think some is wrong with my mum so i called my dad and she said if i call my dad she would do something to me so i did it made it worst for my mum because he missed his work and my mum kept screaming she was not normal i was scared what should i have done nothing? no so i called my dad to see if she was okay i don't like her and she said i cant do it and said a thousand bad stuff things she made a very big deal
riley - 7-Mar-18 @ 10:17 AM
HenJack - Your Question:
My parents have always expected A's and B's. I have straight A's in all of my classes, and I don't think I've ever had a C. This year I started high school, and the transition has always been hard for me. I have all A's and two C's right now, and my parents focused on those two C's and not my 5 other straight A's. They accuse me of "being on my phone too much". I'm on my phone as much as an average teenager and maybe even less. I wake up at 5 AM every morning to work on football drills and improve in football. I was benched later in the season and I got yelled at. Ridiculous. Only three more years till I'm out, right?

Our Response:
Many parents are currently worried about their children's phone use, and for good reason. If your parents think your phone use may be taking you away from the most important studies, they will naturally voice their concerns. I'm sure your parents are very proud of your results. You have to honestly ask yourself whether you think you are on the phone too much and whether it could possibly have an effect on your studies. The transition to high school can be stressful and it may take a while to settle in. However, I'm sure you will settle in and I'm sure you'll do great.
TeenIssues - 1-Mar-18 @ 11:04 AM
Hi, I am doing A-Levels and I am in year 12. During my childhood, I had shown interest in going to medical school. But now since I am doing A-Levels (Biology, Chemistry, and Psychology), I am struggling with my grades a lot and I just found out recently that I actually don't want to study Medicine in university. I want to do either Biology or Forensic Science in university and I have talked to my parents about not wanting to study medicine. They said that I must study medicine as they have allowed me to go abroad to study A-Levels just to get into top medical schools. It has been stressing me out so bad and demotivating me from my studies. My parents have also starting to emotionally manipulate me saying that everybody is so proud of me right now because I am going off to study medicine but they will no longer be proud of me if I change the subjects I want to study in university. This basically means that if I do not study medicine, I will be the black sheep of the family. How do I convince my parents to let me do the subjects I want to study?
suzie163 - 28-Feb-18 @ 8:18 PM
My parents have always expected A's and B's. I have straight A's in all of my classes, and I don't think I've ever had a C. This year I started high school, and the transition has always been hard for me. I have all A's and two C's right now, and my parents focused on those two C's and not my 5 other straight A's... They accuse me of "being on my phone too much". I'm on my phone as much as an average teenager and maybe even less. I wake up at 5 AM every morning to work on football drills and improve in football. I was benched later in the season and I got yelled at. Ridiculous. Only three more years till I'm out, right?
HenJack - 28-Feb-18 @ 2:15 AM
@jo - is there anyone you can talk to about your issues such as a close relation like aunt or uncle who might speak to your parents on your behalf? Can you try to reason with your mum and dad and have an adult conversation with them? Your teachers might help too. Talking is the main thing.
Amy S - 26-Feb-18 @ 11:14 AM
hello my parents are really strict always have been since i was younger. im the first born child out of three and im always been the test child, from homework to movies. when it took my sats in primary school i was 10 and i had to revise everyday, my younger sibling who is now taking them does not intact all she does is dance and play around our house. my middle sister who is year 9 is expected high results. and me im an average b/a student who moves mid of the class, im good at everything but not excellent in anything either. i had problems with depression in year 9 after i lost all my fiends i was emotionally bullied and i slipped into bulimia,my parents never found out. i managed to push through it and got my own help online but new friends. im taking my GSCE's this year which adds extra pressure from my parents im working really hard but currently have a lack of motivation and effort and i dont know whether this is due to my depression or the fact that my parents keep yelling at me and putting me down. my mock results didn't go to plan and my whole year didn't do well either. i normally get compared to other people why couldn't you be more like her.. but when i suggest i have the same results they yell that this is me and not them. im called a failure and constantly told that im not good enough and that they dont care about me or my GSCE's because there my now thing. but it never stays that way. im having problems with friends and recently got played by a guy i was in love with. mymum only knows bits of what happened but she still uses it against me in arguments "rejection because its you". i was slapped over the head by dad because i wasn't revising. i havent seen a day when i havent cried myself to sleep sandwiched for a different life and had to wake up in the morning pretending that everything fine. im scared for my sanity i feel like im drowning and i dont know how to stop it.
jo - 25-Feb-18 @ 7:29 PM
my parents have always pressurized me into doing things I don't really like. I am in the IB and havelot of homework everyday, and on top of that they want me to go to gym, play a sport, learn a musical instrument. I'm honestly done with life. In order to fit all of this stuff i am forced to leave my hobbies behind. And now that the college apps are going to be done I need my ACT/ SAT scores. My first attempt at ACT and i got a 22, my parents were extremely disappointed and now i have to give act again along with SAT. The best part is im not even sure whether ill apply to the US cause my mother is adamant that i apply to the UK. My life is literally a joke. Also when i show her colleges i like, she always rejects them by telling me that they are not good enough. I seriously have no social life left. Nonetheless IB has already given me enough BS that my mind is about to explode. AND how can i forget all the screaming and beating i have to undergo everyday.
cats - 27-Jan-18 @ 11:04 AM
hi. I live in an apartment with only my mum. Even though I bring home A's and B's, she yells at me. She barely acknowledges anything i've worked for, yet yells at me for hours if i make a mistake. i'm barely allowed to have a social life at the moment. i'm 16 and I'm not allowed to go out of the house by myself. I can't even be left home alone. though I have a passion for music and dancing, my mom says I have to be a doctor or i'll fail her. She yells at me every single day for doing anything "un-christian" and constantly compares me to relatives. help??
rinny - 17-Nov-17 @ 1:36 AM
i got a grade 7 (A) in my science mock a few days ago and all my mum said to me was, “why didn’t you get an 8 (a*)
Charlie Twell - 14-Nov-17 @ 10:23 PM
@Harishma - I don't think you are alone though. So many generations have been through this and will go through it. It seems it is all part of growing up. Your mum really just wants the best for you and it sounds as though she realises that she is being unfair later. Parents can show their love sometimes in very unlikely ways, but it is only because she loves and cares about your future <3
HeidiH - 20-Oct-17 @ 11:10 AM
I got my English test and my maths test back on the same day and I got 43 out of 50 and in my English I got a 16 out of 30 and I told my mum my maths and she says well done but when I told my English she got really mad at me and she didn't care about what I done well and cared about what I done bad and it's been always like that and at the end she says I won't shout or do this again but she does and she expects me to a get 100% in all tests. I told her this and she shouted at me and said I won't care and your studies anymore and carried on shouting. She always compares me to other people and the girl she normally compares me to got 9 out of 30 and when I said I got better than her she was like she doesn't care. She then shouted that I should study and I said that I read the book and bought a study guide and workbook and done all of it and she screamed that I'm rubbish at English and that I'm going to leave the school. She then went downstairs and after a while she called me and talked as if she was talking normally and said I will never ever care about your studies anymore. She doesn't understand how much pressure us teenagers are put through.
Harishma - 19-Oct-17 @ 3:48 PM
I feel so pressured to do well.. I am so afraid to mess up and get in trouble. I just sometimes wish that my parents would be more understanding.. :(
Tumblr_queen - 2-Oct-17 @ 1:09 AM
@Coco - do you have time to even sleep. This is really unfair too. You should go on strike until your mum will negotiate new terms :)
Mouse - 14-Sep-17 @ 10:04 AM
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice...
Title:
(never shown)
Firstname:
(never shown)
Surname:
(never shown)
Email:
(never shown)
Nickname:
(shown)
Comment:
Validate:
Enter word:
Latest Comments